Time to get my ass in gear

Legs and arms hurt to much last night so I took the night off. Now its time to go do some cardio. I like running so I'll get about 30 minutes in on the treadmill then do something else....I'm going low carb today....so no intense weight training workout.

The 5 stages of Grief

Stage one....Denial. Once I found out what my situation with my love, I should of moved on to the last step of acceptance. But instead I was in denial about the possible end to our relationship...and I fought it. I made up and accepted every reason no to let go and I didn't. Now here I am again, feeling vulnerable, and alone. Feeling so many raw and negative emotions. Wishing he knew exactly how I feel but not really believing that it would make a difference either way.
Stage two...Anger. Next I experienced anger, where I figured out my worth. I hung out with friends, I thought to myself confidently that my love spoke for itself.
Stage three...Bargaining. During this stage emotions were high and the sex was intense. I reasoned with myself that there is still hope that my future would still include my love. I continued to treat my love like my king. Line crossed.

Stage four in the current stage I am in. Depression. I am feeling the loss of the man I love. I feel the disconnection in my chest. I feel like my heart is being torn in half. I'm not even sure he cares about how hurt I am right now. I am scared to lie here in the dark and not feel him next to me. To not have his leg thrown over mine and his face buried in my neck. I feel the loss of my love. I feel anxiety everytime I  think about not holding him again. Next and hopefully soon comes acceptance. I hope I find that sooner than later. I need to let this go. No matter how bad I want to hold on.

love should no hurt

Im so tired of getting hurt by men who claim to love me...

feelings

Sitting here trying to process all of the emotions i have been feeling lately. Mostly sadness, anxiety and fear. I think as people we try so hard no to feel anything. Maybe if I just sit with these emotions I will come to understand them better and then be able to deal with them more effectively. I began this love without fear thing with myself recently. Realizing I cant control anyone I figured that if I love freely without fear then get hurt I would just remove myself from the situation. If someone takes that and mistreats that then they lose the benefit of me. That's how I planned to move through out the rest of my life. So far the pain is really hard to get past...the uncertainty to. I guess I am just that much set in my ways.

I don't know

My whole thought process is fucked up. Trying to just live in the moment cause if I think even the slightest bit ahead...I fall apart

I so confused

My life is in turmoil right now. Not knowing if soon my heart will no longer be my own. I dint know what to do or how to feel. Im just here and im not sure if thats a good place to be.

Chaos

I'm extremely frustrated! These kids are driving me crazy! I have no tolerance for selfish acts be they from children or adults. I'm trying too clean my room but by the looks of things I will have to finish tomorrow. I did very good today though. I cleared up the recycling, cleaned out and washed my car, and cleaned most of my room. I only have enough patience right now to make my dinner eventually this evening. Bout to just chill out before I lose my shit!

sleep on it i guess

Sometimes I really hate being me...I am very perceptive and I pick up on things other people may overlook. Then I suffer with the weight of what I have seen. My heart is so heavy and mixed up right now. On one hand I miss my carebear so much it makes my body ache. On the other hand, there is an issue that I am not sure whether or not I can overlook it. I think I will ask.

Im so gone over him. I love him and he knows it....

Tripping

No carebear tonight, miss him being here.

Brain working overtime

Something isn't right, I can't put my finger on it right now but I'm certain things are not as they should be. I decided to just not to much energy into everything. I'm not sure what life it's supposed to be like, but I'm certain it's not like this. I feel boxed in. Next month's trip has been cancelled, but I'm thinking of just going anyway. Take some time to reevaluate a few things going on with me.

Wtf

I'm in love and I don't know what to do with myself. Can't say anything about it. I don't think I want him to know...

This is old

SOOOOOOO, what do you do when you feel like your in love with someone, but not completely sure of their intent? Only because all the signs conflict with each other and there really isn't a way to tell which signs you should pay attention to. Some signs point to that person seriously caring for you...while others point toward him just biding his time? I don't know how to feel right now. I want so much to believe that this is not the case, but because my heart has been toyed with so many times before I cant. I want so much to let go and just give of myself. But I wont. Wouldn't be the right thing to do. I cant even bring myself to tell him I love him, it's slipped out a few times but I don't think it was caught.

I YI YI, I think what I am going to do is whip out a sheet of paper and weight the pros and the cons of the situation. I'm sincerely making an effort not to trip. Trying to ignore the what if's and just do what is in my heart for me to do. My past is so much a part of me it's ridiculous! I think the best course of action at this point is really no action at all.

STRESS

Good grief, I'm under so much stress it's ridiculous. Sometimes I real feel like not doing anything, but if I don't do it...it don't get done. I'm being stretched in so many directions. Not all of them are bad though. Besides there kids and my carebear...I really don't want to deal with anything else. Those things make me smile. But the other ish.....I can do without. Haven't prayed in a while...I should start back.

Bull shit

I am thoroughly disgusted by the way my day is going. Add to that disgusted by folk who supposedly care for me.

Argh!

Made it to the gym. Legs or shall I say my butt is so sore I could barely sit on the toilet this morning. But I'm here now so let's get it!

Trust, love and other shit

I don't trust anyone completely. I want to but I don't. I want to be able to give myself to my man, completely, pleasing him, encouraging him, sharing with him etc. But I'm not sure I'm capable of doing so. I say, trust until you have a reason not to. But my intuition is spot on. I'm very possessive, I mark my territory. And if you can't hold me down like I hold you down...them they'd no use in even trying. I gave my heart away once and it was mistreated and abused. It was stomped on repeatedly but it just came back. I have an amazing capacity to love, and I doubt want to waste it on just anyone.

Anger

I'm in a fucked up place mentally, bitches think they slick. I don't have time to fuck with anyone's bull shit.

Sunday morn...

Made it to the gym this morning. Empty gym thank goodness. Wrapping it up then home to shower and get back in the bed

Back to sleep I go...go to sleep I'm back

Trying to go hard at the gym, but I know rest days are required. Thinking should I get up and just do cardio for and hour or just chill today Art least and go tomorrow. Yeah, one TRUE rest day then back at it tomorrow. When the gym is pretty empty...cause it's Sunday. 😀 I win lol

Lights out

Did my best to catch up on some homework. Started feeling tired so it's time to knock out. As much as I'm trying not to show it, I miss my carebear terribly...it's freezing cold in the house and it would feel awesome to cuddle up under him. Can't though, so I better get an extra blanket...but it's not the same. 😞

Feeling optimistic

Got up late but still decided to come work out. I figure any time here is better than nothing. Coming now frees up more time later to do things I need to do in the afternoon. So much to do, do little time.

To much thinking in my thoughts

My head is all over the place, all I want to do is go to sleep. I'm going to stay up and do some ab work, just for a little bit. Then to take a sleeping pill and hopefully zone out. Remind myself that with everyday that passes, things get easier.

LIESSSSSS

My day came together pretty nicely, except for the obvious. I have a big problem with people lying to me. It is what it is though and  there aint nothing I can do about that. All I can do is control myself and that's what I intend on doing. Doing shit for me, to keep my mind off all the garbage. Life goes on I guess. It's a terrible shame. I cant be anyone's downtime or side chick, nor "main" chick. I hate it so much.

Blah

Workout done, damn near threw up. Back home, I'm going to sleep. My heads fucked!

Not my friend

This love shit is not for me. It's to unpredictable. I seriously can't fuck with it. I need to stop being so open hearted. Love don't mean me no kind of good. It's best I avoid it like the plague

Sad

I'm fucking sick!! Trying not to cry, I feel so dumb for being this upset. What the fuck is wrong with me???

Love?...me??

I think I am in love, and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to deal with what I'm feeling right now. I hate that I can be so sappy. So open hearted and loving. There are some uncertainties I don't know how to address. I feel like if I keep inquiring about such things I'll give the impression I'm
in a hurry to settle down and all the fun will be sucked out of what we have now. So far all I ever dreamt of in a man I've found. That scares me...I have to chill out, just wait and see what this turns into.

Feeling pretty good

What a day, trying to get dinner situated and these kids ready for bed. Back to school tomorrow for them so early to bed. Still need to workout and eat dinner but I'm not all that hungry right now. Could go for a nice grilled chicken salad. Waiting on my carebear so we can go to the gym, now I can get help with my form 😀

And that is all

I miss my carebear 😒😞.

Nutz

...the ability to make me head over heels. There's just something about my carebear. I think I should reevaluate a few things...I can't let anyone have me like that, no matter how much I may want to, just can't do it.

Don't know if I can do it...

I'm thinking this one is going to have me ape shit crazy...I'm already bat shit crazy. I like so much about carebear that I am besides myself. I don't want my adoration used against me. I need to marinate on this one...Damn. still on one after last night, my head is definitely in the clouds.

My new obsession

Decided to start watching sons of anarchy, it's pretty good. I'll be watching all 6 seasons over the course of this weekend 📺 yay Netflix

Drained

Terrible nap, guess my heart hasn't caught up to my head yet. 😖😴

Test in the paint

The math killed my ass, but I still think I did well. I guess I wasted my money on that shit I bought. Time to start the purging process.  I refuse to beg for the attention of somebody who doesn't want to deal with me. Why not say that though?? Like it's cool, I'm flattered you feel that way but I'm not there yet. I guess that would be to much like right. I don't know, lives a trip, things and PEOPLE change up at a moment's notice. I spent 10 years of my life married to a nigga that didn't want me, and another 6 months with one that was full of shit. I made up my mind before about being by myself, I'm thinking I'll revisit that thought. Sad really...I'm a good woman, I'm not perfect but I'm genuine, and I'm loyal, which if you agree with Chris Brown "these hoes ain't loyal" lol, I'm far from a hoe so that statement wouldn't apply anyway. I'm sleepy, that workout kicked my ass. Feel it all up in my stomach. Homeward bound 🚗

Murning 2 you!!

I'm up and ready to take the kids to school and then do some of the things I need to do today. First stop is to workout and try to go as hard as i did yesterday. Then off to my test at the district. Today is a brand new day. Those who want to be down will be down, all the others will fall by the way side. I got shit to do, and do shit I will!!

The ❤ sucks

One of the hardest things for me to do is to sit on emotions I feel strongly. But tonight, with the help of a sleeping pill I will. Hopefully I'll fall asleep before I get the urge to get some things off my chest tonight. I feel...rejected. Tommorow is a new day!!!

shutting down in 3...2...1

Once again I don't know where i stand, so dammit I may as well stand alone. I am who I am and at 35 years old I doubt much about me will ever change. I have a big heart and that's cool, but in a world of men trying to get over...it does not serve my purpose much. Not saying all men are like that but I believe the mass majority are. SO!!! I keep rolling the dice and with every throw my heart gets harder and harder. Why can't I just be me? Well I can but the results of that have been very disappointing. Folk want you to care...but don't want you to care. Especially if it requires them to reciprocate. There is so much I can offer to a relationship, but nothing is free. I'm not that hard to love...or am I?

I am still battling this headache from earlier today. I think it would be in my best interest to take a nice hot shower and just lay in the bed. I am going to go take my district exam tomorrow, so I'm hoping to be rid of this head hurt real soon. Missing my carebear, but I think things are no good. I got 2 out of the 4 things i ordered for him for valentine's day...that's if we make it that far lol! Note to self, never purchase a gift online for a man. If things go south, your stuck trying to make all those online returns. I am a thoughtful woman, I want to believe the best in people. Ugh!!! I don't want to slip back into that bad mood I have been having. I should stop here...for now at least.

FOR RENT

I guess I have this sign printed across my forehead. Why men feel they can rent your heart and body...I don't know. I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now. So nothing means anything anymore? I'm not trying to pressure anyone to do anything, I just wanted him to know I was fond. He doesn't like confrontation, so instead of talking it out, he stops talking to me??? WTF!! So all of that we did...it was all just something to do...just another way to past time, break up the monotony of the day. That sucks, that's that bull shit. That hurts!

Six in the morning...

Up after a night of terrible sleep. Phone kept making noise, why I didn't shut off the ringer...I don't know. Today I want to have a good day. I'm feeling a little better than I did last night. I guess I'll just chill. I will do what I can today and nothing more.

Heartbroken...

What is the world coming to?
I'm so over the dumb shit. Folks want you to give your all for nothing. I'm so cool on this shit. Finding a cool guy must not be in the cards for me. Like I said before I'm an aggressive lover, I want to be able to be me without fear of being taken advantage of. I'm so frustrated I want to cry. I'm not side chick material, no one wants to take you seriously these days...I'm over it, like really really over it. I'm not trying to defraud no dude. I'm not out to get nobody, I just want to be able to love hard and fierce and to be loved back in return. But all I'm good for I guess is sexual stuff. My cousin was right...I just hope it only seems that way. My sexuality is more appealing than my heart and that really hurts 💔

This shit sucks

My focus is all fucked up. I'm at the gym, it's crowded as shit. All I'll get done is about an hour of cardio, which is way better than nothing. I'm going to try getting up early and coming so that I can lift...now my ear buds are tripping out. Wtf!! I came here to zone out and do some deep thinking. Whatever, I'll do Ann hour on this then I'm out!!

❤❤❤❤❤ I've got that feeling

I have feelings I know I can't act on. But I feel them all the same. I'm so tired of putting myself out there only to get disappointed. So I keep it all bottled in. One day, it will all just come flooding out, and the person on the other end of it will either be extremely happy or just plain overwhelmed. I guess it just depends. I love very aggressively, but because of that I guess I have scared of a few men. My shit is potent, only problem is that if I'm crossed or if the trust is violated that love starts shift in the other direction. All bad! I've told myself that it's just not worth it though, so instead I'll just walk away from them. So this is where my head is at right now...

Processing

I've been up quite a while. Thinking contemplating going over my feelings, thoughts etc. Something was said yesterday that got me thinking. I don't want to jump the gun by asking questions so I think I'll just pay close attention to actions to understand what's going on. I'm chilling though, taking one day at a time. watching and waiting

Confused, and bummed

I've been trying to figure out what my deal is. In a recent convo, and other conversations in the past its been said that I project a lot of sexual energy, which is why I end up having the types of interactions I have with men. So I'm wondering why aren't I relationship material. Most men just want the benefit of sex with me. Not sure if I should be flattered by that or not. I'm in a mood right now, Not really a good or bad one...but a mood. Wondering if I  should take a step back...hmmm

Frustration, thy name is county of San Bernardino

Appt was at 10, its 10:30, feeling very annoyed by this whole process. I don't know what else to do. Have to get my bubby at 1130. These people are so ride and disrespectful. They take their sweet ass time to do anything as if they are doing you a favor and it's just not right. I have other things to do, but of course that doesn't matter. I'm trying not to be on defense, but if it's one thing I can't stand it's incompetence. People not doing what they are supposed to do. So I'll shot here and wait another 20 minutes then I'm rescheduling. I got shit to do.

It's Tuesday...

So I'm at the dentist finally trying to get this tooth pulled. It's bothering me far too much. After this I go get my son and home yup handle business. I came straight here from the gym. Did a good hour which included 45 minutes of weight lifting and 15 minutes of cardio. Probably should of ate before coming here but Oh well. I sure hope I'm not here much longer. It would suck to have to come back later.

Posted!!

Chilling! Bout ready to have a glass of wine. But it requires me to go to the store. Which is something I really don't want to do. I'm beginning to feel some type of way...like maybe I should take a step back. I don't know, best thing to do I guess would be nothing. Just wait and see. But as of right now...I'm feeling some kind of way. Hmmmmm, also I'm sick, or getting sick. Been in my room pretty much all day. I have a school assignment due tonight, will most likely take a nap before I do that though. Ooh well.

Argh!!!

Okay so my stomach hurts really bad because I over ate. Lots an lots of junk food. About to get up and move around. Maybe I'll feel better.

DEEEEEEP thoughts going around in my brain

I'm tripping out!!! First I'm down because today is the anniversary of my dad passing. Second because I feel so lost and so uptight that I can't just let go and be me. Scared of what that might bring on. Technology makes it so hard to connect with people. I do want to though. Trying to just ride it out but afraid the road won't lead anywhere. What have I gotten myself into.

YAWN!!!!!

End of a long day and I'm tired. I fully intend on getting up and working out in the morning. Another busy day ahead. I got to see my carebear today and last night. It's nice that we got a chance to talk things over like I was hoping. I'm a mess though...I don't know if he REALLY likes me yet. I mean like really, really. I guess time will tell. He must care somewhat to not just walk away. I find I worry about lot of things that don't matter. Like what happens when things get old. And whether or not to invest time in something that might not grow. Where still in the getting to know you stage. I have questions but waiting for the right time to talk about them. As we spend more time together I'm sure we'll both learn. Have to remember it's not just up to me. He has to show interest in getting to know me as well.

Chilling

At the park with Buddy, didn't plan this trip but need to waste time before getting the girls. What a said it's been so far. Once I get home the real work starts. I intended to do my homework earlier but instead took a nap and hung out with my son. It's really chilly out here, but it's nice. Very relaxing...decided to back up a bit from my carebear. Either he wants to deal with me out he don't.  😞

Got it in!!!

That was one really great workout. Got twenty minutes in on the stairmaster. That machine taxes the heck out of you. My mind wandered around but I did focus and put in work. I decided to do something nice...within my means of course for my carebear. I hope it's cool and we can go back to being like it was. I'm going to try an knock out for a few. Before waking the kids.

I am up

I woke up with a lot on my mind. I feel terrible about what happened between me and my carebear. Now I'm concerned he'll always look at me sideways. I think it looks like I have ulterior motives, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Just when I feel like I can open myself up to my feelings...I say something that gets totally twisted off its ass and misconstrued. I'm hoping we can still be cool. This hurts and I feel bad because now someone I really care for doesn't trust me. I hope in time I can show that I'm not a bad person. Considering sharing my blog with him...but I doubt he'd even read it at this point 😞

Plain old nasty

Fat free ranch dressing can kiss my ass. It taste horrible!!  When I bought it i told myself I'd learn to love it....LIES!! I don't like it and won't learn to. Now to enjoy what's left of my salad

Alrighty then

Okay so wow what a friggin day already. I got a lot of shit done today thankfully. I'm going back and forth in my head over something that's troubling me. Trying to do the opposite of what I usually do in any given situation. I don't know, I'll deal with it later. I've got homework to finish

Starting to stir shit up!!

I sincerely need to step my game up. I've gotten content being okay, and that's probably why I always feel so icky. Nothing's the way I need it to be, nothing at all. School is hard but I'm almost done, house is never as clean I would like...but i 4 kids so I guess that's out. I could be doing more as far as diet and exercise...but I'm content! Content with just going okay. I'm questioning myself on the amount of growth I thought I made, I'm just not to sure about it anymore.

Feeling a little less blah!

Done! Got some cardio in, feeling pretty good about it. Mind still working, bout yup shower and lay back down. One appt today, thinking I should go early and do my projects, but I guess that can wait till after my work study appt. I miss my carebear, but I'm a big girl. It is what it is. I think I should refocus again, put all of my priority on me and my shit. I want to stop being so friggin nice.

Hohum.....

Seriously not in the workout mood, but I came to the gym anyway. Lot on my mind.

What the hell

Political science is kicking my ass already. I dam near cried looking for my corkscrew to open my wine. Things got stressful once the kids got home. They wouldn't quiet down  for me to focus. Now they sleep and I'm frustrated. On top of all that I'm missing my baby. Oh well I guess, we didn't make plans for the night so I guess that's it for today. I need to get my shit together and my priorities straight. Family first, school, then everything else. This six weeks should go by rather fast....okay shower time now