Time to get my ass in gear

Legs and arms hurt to much last night so I took the night off. Now its time to go do some cardio. I like running so I'll get about 30 minutes in on the treadmill then do something else....I'm going low carb today....so no intense weight training workout.

The 5 stages of Grief

Stage one....Denial. Once I found out what my situation with my love, I should of moved on to the last step of acceptance. But instead I was in denial about the possible end to our relationship...and I fought it. I made up and accepted every reason no to let go and I didn't. Now here I am again, feeling vulnerable, and alone. Feeling so many raw and negative emotions. Wishing he knew exactly how I feel but not really believing that it would make a difference either way.
Stage two...Anger. Next I experienced anger, where I figured out my worth. I hung out with friends, I thought to myself confidently that my love spoke for itself.
Stage three...Bargaining. During this stage emotions were high and the sex was intense. I reasoned with myself that there is still hope that my future would still include my love. I continued to treat my love like my king. Line crossed.

Stage four in the current stage I am in. Depression. I am feeling the loss of the man I love. I feel the disconnection in my chest. I feel like my heart is being torn in half. I'm not even sure he cares about how hurt I am right now. I am scared to lie here in the dark and not feel him next to me. To not have his leg thrown over mine and his face buried in my neck. I feel the loss of my love. I feel anxiety everytime I  think about not holding him again. Next and hopefully soon comes acceptance. I hope I find that sooner than later. I need to let this go. No matter how bad I want to hold on.

love should no hurt

Im so tired of getting hurt by men who claim to love me...

feelings

Sitting here trying to process all of the emotions i have been feeling lately. Mostly sadness, anxiety and fear. I think as people we try so hard no to feel anything. Maybe if I just sit with these emotions I will come to understand them better and then be able to deal with them more effectively. I began this love without fear thing with myself recently. Realizing I cant control anyone I figured that if I love freely without fear then get hurt I would just remove myself from the situation. If someone takes that and mistreats that then they lose the benefit of me. That's how I planned to move through out the rest of my life. So far the pain is really hard to get past...the uncertainty to. I guess I am just that much set in my ways.

I don't know

My whole thought process is fucked up. Trying to just live in the moment cause if I think even the slightest bit ahead...I fall apart

I so confused

My life is in turmoil right now. Not knowing if soon my heart will no longer be my own. I dint know what to do or how to feel. Im just here and im not sure if thats a good place to be.

Chaos

I'm extremely frustrated! These kids are driving me crazy! I have no tolerance for selfish acts be they from children or adults. I'm trying too clean my room but by the looks of things I will have to finish tomorrow. I did very good today though. I cleared up the recycling, cleaned out and washed my car, and cleaned most of my room. I only have enough patience right now to make my dinner eventually this evening. Bout to just chill out before I lose my shit!